April 23, 2014

Time to say Goodbye

The time has come my friends, to say goodbye. I’ve completed the update. I’ve made it “pretty” and well, this blog is no longer on my radar.

You see – as I move to the next phase of my life, I’m determined to move forward in the best way possible. Ergo, I need to let this blog & thus URL go and look to my future.

With that said, if you are still following & want to continue to follow me shoot me an email at msmarriageadventures@gmail.com and I’ll be happy to share my new blog URL. I may eventually create an “auto-forward” for this one, but for the moment I’ll leave it up to you if you decide to follow me as I move forward.

I thank you ALL for the support, the love, the growth and the friendships (online though they be) that you have provided me these past years. I wish you well and while I hope you follow, I understand if you don’t. Either please be happy, healthy and enjoy whatever adventures life brings you!

With love and friendship,

Stephanie

A New Name … A New Place

I am excited to say that the re-branding is about complete. That means that this will likely be one of the last, if not the last, post at Our Marriage Adventure and you might want to update your feed.

In reviewing my life situation, which is a WHOLE other conglomeration, I’ve decided that I need to rebrand my blog. I stopped blogging because well, first I was trying to focus on my marriage and then it became one heck of a non-fun adventure and then I just didn’t feel like blogging. In changing the focus to more about me and how I’m taking my life by the horns I feel like I’ll have a lot more to say. That I’ll rediscover the love of blogging that I have had for a while and I’ll manage to do it with some sunshine.

So while I rarely tweet or instagram (though I’m trying to get better about that) I have managed to rebrand those two items. If you were following me there then it should be automatically updated with the new names.

I will have this site redirect to the new site soon. (Gotta make it prettier first.) I am on BlogLovin’ and you can find my page here.

Thank you for all the support over the years and I hope I see y’all on the new site.

Re-Imagine Yourself

That’s right folks, I’m changing things around. You’ll start to see the direction I’m going. With that I may go back and “hide” some stuff so it’s a little less “old life” and more about embracing the new. With that though, here’s another #DivorceDiary

10/7/13

I’m really struggling today. Not sure why just am. Alex has been sweeter than normal lately, running his hand down my hair to let me know he’s home (granted I dislike that he’s out till 11 p.m. or later most nights) but all in all he’s been good.

I don’t know why it’s hurting so much today but it sucks. I heard the song “I wont give up” by Jason Mraz on my Pandora and started crying because I remember playing it for him. I just wanted him to know that I knew I was struggling with everything, but I loved him so much that I wasn’t give up on us. I wish he felt the same way.

I wish there was a way to save us. To make both our dreams come true – mine for kids, his for…well whatever it is he’s wanting. I’m not 100% sure.

I wish I could quit feeling sick to my stomach. This situation is breaking my heart so much. I really want to climb into his arms and just have him hold me. Just to make it all better for a little while, but I know that would be a lie.

I want to go home. That won’t fix anything but that’s how I feel. I just want to go home and hide in a closet or something.

—————————————————————–

I went to lunch with Alex and it made me feel better. Grateful he wants to remain friends and is willing to help me over these hurdles. While I’m sure there will come a time when he won’t per se be there like he is now, maybe we’ll get to the point where lunch is casual and between friends.

I wish we didn’t still feel like spouses. That’s where I struggle – when I look at us, our interactions, etc and its like we’re a good couple. We make a really good couple. I wish he saw that. I wish he wanted that.

#DivorceDiaries – Moving Forward

I am working on moving forward. It’s a slow, not always steady work in progress wherein I know it doesn’t make sense to the outside world. It barely makes sense to me. Here’s the thing – for someone who always has “a plan” and who wants to get the “why” to everything, I’ve really learned that not everything makes sense.

I’ll pop these up once or twice a week, knowing they are my thoughts from a week or more past, to let y’all see just what divorce does to my brain. The healing that can occur and to understand (because I have found SEVERAL blogs that speak to me) that divorce doesn’t always mean hate.

Without Further Ado: My #DivorceDiary

9/30/13

Today I feel: I still feel naked most days even though its been almost two months since I stopped really wearing my wedding and engagement ring. Some days I still rub my finger with my thumb like I used to do, only to remember that there is no ring anymore. Well at least not one that I can or would wear. In fact I don’t wear any of the jewelry he gave me. I hope one day I’ll be able to wear some of the less “us” pieces again because they are nice. I just don’t know when.

Currently my life looks like: We’re working on getting rid of the house now and I feel literally ill at the idea of being completely on my own. I know I say I’m relieved that all the fighting will be done, but God I will miss him. I will miss cooking dinner for someone else, cuddling on the couch watching t.v. together, talking to someone about how their / my day went and yes sharing the household chores. I’m realistic about that. I honestly look around the house and my brain comes to a full stop when it thinks about packing and moving. That will probably when I need family / friends the most. I stank at packing when Alex and I moved me from my apartment in Dunwoody (he did most of it) and even more when we moved from OUR apartment to OUR house. This move, it’s going to put me on my knees and I know it. So – if I don’t reach out then, just do me a favor and show up. Of all the days to not leave me alone (even if I can’t really function) that will be the day I truly need you. That first few days of being completely and totally alone because that will also mean the papers are coming.

I’m dreading: The holidays are going to be hell. That’s it – as simple and as complex as it gets.  I have struggled with the dividing of “stuff” already, not because we’re fighting over that or anything, but because of what it all means. I get overwhelmed easily because I just can’t fathom how you separate two lives that have been together for almost 6 years now. It’s hard to process. Then I think about the holiday décor – Christmas in particular. We have ornaments from our honeymoon that are very “honeymoon” specific. The stocking that we bought just for him – that kind of stuff. I really did revel in decorating our house for holidays, of making it beautiful for him (and me), but now the only one  who will appreciate all that are my animals. It hurts. I’m also dreading Thanksgiving Day. Why? Because that’s the day Alex proposed to me in 2008. Oh and I’m dreading the day we sign papers finalizing everything. Alex and I know the plan – that’s helpful, it won’t be a total and complete shock. But it still…well I can’t imagine anyone would be surprised by the fact that I’m dreading it nor can they blame me.

I’m looking forward to: Decorating my new place (wherever and whenever that is) so that I can begin to heal. To furniture shopping, not that I’ll have the money to do it right away but hey eventually I’ll need stuff to sit on in the living room right? I have made a list of several things I want to achieve by 12/31/13 so I look forward to crossing things off that list. I’ll make it little by little.

I’m grateful for: My family who despite the struggles I’ve thrown their way while I struggle have stayed by my side. Friends who respect the space I need and yet push me to climb out of my whole. Truth be told, Alex, for forcing us into this position with the hope that at the end of this rather horrible path I’ll find a new one that leads me to better and brighter things. An AMAZING boss and co-workers who have been kind, generous, understanding and caring through the ups and downs. How blessed I am to have found this job. And of course my pets. My babies. The fuzzies who come up to me in the middle of the night so I never wake alone (even if they are just begging for food) they ensure at my lowest I have someone who will lean on me and purr or wag a tail.

Random Dreams Lead to Random Thoughts

Last night was full of weird dreams. I couldn’t fall asleep initially and then as I lay there I realized that I had to just close my eyes and sleep. Luckily I had the animals to keep me company. Granted the cat snoring isn’t always the most appreciative noise in the world, but it sure beats a dead silent and lonely house.

The dreams themselves weren’t bad. They swung from riding roller coasters, to a pick-up truck and all the way back to the beach at sunset. In case you haven’t caught on the theme is “getting away” and all of those things are places I like to be. Well the pick-up truck was random but not totally unexpected given the mental state my day-dreaming has entered.

This weekend I have big (HA!) plans that involve mopping with my fairly brand new mopping tool and making banana bread with the bananas I didn’t eat nearly fast enough. Oh and cleaning up around the house in general. There is a lot of that that I need to get done. I likely will also paint my own toenails (sorry professional pedi’s, you are out of my budget) and color my hair. Not at the same time though!

When a Heart Breaks

Life is never what you expect it to be. Or at least mine hasn’t been. I had dreams and plans from 10 years ago, 5 years ago and even one year ago that seem to be crumbling around me.

I’m on the verge of a divorce and I don’t know how to handle my every day as my moods change wildly each day. I say “verge” because well…the situation isn’t “final” or “official.” I can’t and won’t bother speaking for Alex this go around. I will say that he made the last push for this step and it shocked the hell out of me.

I suppose it shouldn’t have, we’ve never really gotten better since the affair. We’ve tried but it’s a hard place to crawl up out of and we never seemed to be able to do it. To top it off he changed his mind about having kids. He doesn’t want them, ever, (or so he says…deep in my heart I still wonder if it’s just WITH ME that causes the issue). I do. We’re at an impasse.

So now I sit staring at my favorite season of the year with a wedding anniversary in 11 days wondering what the hell is happening to my life. We stopped wearing our wedding bands…I see no point because they represent a promise we seem to be barreling towards failing at. That anniversary has become a dreaded day for me.

I feel it’s so naïve of me to want it to work out. To want this magical button to happen that turns everything around, to sleep in the same room again, to wear wedding bands, to want children together and to not look at 9-12 as a day to fear but rather rejoice. Only this time…I can’t find it in me to see the light. I swing from sad, to angry and back towards ambivalent. Is that bad? I want it just hurry up and happen whatever IT is so that I can move on.

It’s a strange place to be in; hoping that my marriage will magically work out while secretly wondering what would happen if I start over. How do I start over??? I suck at dating. The wedding dress, rings, wedding and yes the groom were exactly what I wanted. How do I replace all that? What if I don’t?! I want a family that involves kids, what if it takes 10 years. WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?

Oh, hey we have a house and joint ____ accounts (you name it, we share it)…how do we split all that up? Its just so much shit to process that I go home and I sit. I don’t deal because a large part of me hopes that if I ignore it, it will all go away.

A Sweet Goodbye

Our Marriage Adventure has been a wonderful blog. A blog that allowed for me to explore ups, downs and everything in between. However it’s a direction and style I no longer feel called to blog too. I am going to let this blog die a quiet death.

I’m also going to try a new blog that I’ll be introducing shortly. The first thing to change will be what I blog about! I’m sure my relationship will pop up from time to time, but I am not making it my focus. No instead my focus will be my life in Georgia. The things I do, the things I love, the places (read that as wineries) I’ve visited and more. I’ll probably toss in info about my awesome job in super generic ways (Because I’m not going to pull a Dooce) and crazy stuff I’ve seen on Pinterest.

After the initial change the title, the web address and the basic branding will change. I’ll no longer be accepting guest posts or ads. If a product review request comes up I’ll consider it but I don’t think I’ll be “big” enough for that.

So there it is – for those of you who still follow after I dropped off the face of the planet, thank you for the support. Keep it real, keep it wild, keep it adventurous and good bye.

Accutane – all damn done!

Another day, another dollar. I am nearing the end of my Accutane* treatment (10 days left…THANK GOODNESS) and I’m starting to get every single side effect you can imagine.

One of the biggest things they watch for when you take this type of drug, besides the obvious blood craziness, is the smaller side effects. Things like migraines, nose bleeds, severe dryness, and of course mood swings.  The mood swings are the kicker because that’s what the manufacture of brand-name Accutane was sued for…many users were getting such severe mood issues that they were committing suicide.

Fun drug right?

In the last week or so I’ve had 4 migraines, major bone / muscle pain, and oh em gee the mood crazy. Mine all seems to be anger-centric though. So high note, I won’t be crying in the corner, no I’ll be reenacting a Pink music video with my beer and riding lawn mower. Watch out downtown ATL traffic!

Basically everything is pissing  me off. The cat meows – I grumble. The dog whines – I’m ready to hide in another room. I go outside to go for a walk because I have a headache and its way to f-ing hot so I come back even grumpier. I can’t sleep due to all of the above and do not EVEN ask me what is for dinner or I’ll shove that pot down your throat.

I need a private padded room for the next ten days.

The great news is I do have just 10 more days so the end is near. The drug worked…I think. I’m a little frightened that since so much of my acne is hormone based, the minute I’m off the drug it will come ROARING back. Its something I want to speak to my doctor about because I really don’t think I can handle this again anytime soon.  Deep inside I’m fairly certain I’m going to need this drug at least one more time in this lifetime, but hopefully I can wait 5 years again.

So with that fun update (If you are just starting this drug, sorry if I scared you…the last month is the worst as far as I’m concerned) here are pictures I promised.

Me without make-up 5 months and 20 days into treatment. The redness isn’t super pronounced in the photo but its there. A lot may be scars, it may fade, it may come roaring back – nobody knows! It’s like Vegas but without the hot Chippendale’s men.

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red and scarred

Me with make-up. This isn’t the best photo because it was at night and I look like a ghost, but it gives you a pretty good idea of what my make-up does. As you can see, all that red is smooth skin, which is good because that means make-up covers it. Downer is I ALWAYS have to wear makeup and that gets old really fast. Especially when its 90+ degrees out and so humid you’d think you were swimming.

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Ignore the hair wings please

**So I wrote this oh two weeks ago, which means I have since ended Accutane. Bad news bears! The redness and the acne have flared right back up and its only been 7 days post-treatment. In other words I want to cry because the end-all cure is anything but for me. I have a doc’s appointment on Friday and I’m going to discuss further options with him at that time. I guess we’ll see what he says to see where I go from here because I REALLY hate Accutane and would like to avoid another treatment especially since six damn months of horrible side effects (that last month really turned me off) did shit.

Good luck for those starting out since I am the exception not the rule.

Braves Win!

I like sports – I like sports A Lot. I just happen to prefer things like football and hockey over say baseball. Yes, I also really like NASCAR but I figured I’d get a lot of flack from people if I included that with the football reference.

Now the entire length of our marriage Alex has pushed and prodded me towards at the very least accepting baseball in my life because he loves the game. I have gone to games where he has played and been a “cheerleader” in the stands. I have even taken the time to learn how to read the score on t.v., but the one thing I haven’t done is GO to a professional game.

To be fair I’ve never been to a professional game of any sport, but really if I could I’d totally go see the Falcons play any day. Sorry Braves.

However, this past weekend my lovely friend Leslie and her wonderfully kind man, Josh, invited Alex and I to see a MLB game in person. Alex and I jumped at the chance 1. Because we love these two people and it’s always great dating another couple and 2. Hello, beer and sports. Duh!

Now, I will say through no one moment this entire game was a bit of a cluster-F. Parking rules changed on us, traffic was horrendous thanks to DOT construction projects, and it happened to be a game where it got sold-out. Which is rare. So that meant no tickets sitting near one another.

So you know what we did? We prevailed and hung out together in the stadium bar and watched the game from up there. We mostly chatted and occasionally saw live game items, but I still call the night a success. Why? Because I got to visit with friends and date my hubby. I wish I had more photos of the game but sadly I do not. I do have these photos for your viewing pleasure. Ignore the blurriness and reference above #2 point about why a live game.

Josh being helpful and taking Alex & I’s photo:

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Ain’t he purty?

Alex and I and the photo Josh was to be taking when the above photo happened:

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I’m so kind

Leslie and I:

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So much beer – It wasn’t ALL ours.

new sign 200x113 Braves Win!

The “Where in the Hay I’ve been” post

So I’ve been a total silent bob lately. I’m not sure why, mostly because I feel like the title of this blog and what I actually talk about 99% of the time do not relate. Additionally, I’ve been spending my time reading and watching t.v. with Alex in the evenings rather than typing.

Oh and the photography thing, it’s gone down a deep dark hole. Accutane does that to you.

(Yes I’m blaming the meds…they cause major mood changes, ask my doctor and my husband. They’ll both agree.)

Anyway, happy summer! I’ve started my new job (OK I started over a month ago, please reference above silent bob note) and I adore it. I don’t want to say too much because Dooce provides the best example of why one does not blog about your job and I like this one so I want to keep it. Point is I’m really happy. I haven’t been really happy at work in a long time and this feels great.

Outside of that the last month has been hectic. You see, first this happened to Alex’s jeep.

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Thank God everyone was OK

Then he got this Jeep.

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New and SHINY Jeep – with a hard top.

Then on the Friday before Memorial Day this happened to my jeep. The poor other driver, I feel worse for him than I do for my jeep.

 

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Broken Jeep #2

 

Now I get to play in this for 10+ days while my Jeep gets fixed, but here’s the kicker…this is my SECOND rental car because the first one had mechanical issues.

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Shiny, FAST rental car #2

Anybody eager to ride in a car with me yet? No? I don’t blame you – I’m still not eager to be in a car with me!

Let’s see, what else has been happening. Oh! I have been waiting for spring to get warm, only it never did and now its summer and suddenly warm. Anyway, I was waiting because I wanted to surprise Alex with a water balloon fight when he got home from work one day. This past weekend I was finally able to do so. Lucky him walked into the garage to see a bag full of water balloons, a note stating that I was “armed and prepared to fire grenades at the first sign of enemy movement” and shortly after reading the note a barrage of water balloons launched his way. Sadly…I lost the fight.

Clearly I was never meant to play ball in any form or fashion.

And that is the story of where in the Hay I’ve been. I’ve been avoiding cars like the plague because my Karma is clearly quite bad right now.

new sign 200x113 The Where in the Hay Ive been post