Infertility is not something I ever expected to deal with in my life. Despite the knowledge that it existed in my family I just somehow assumed that this little “gift” would pass me by.
Fast forward to Alex and I “trying but not trying” for over a year and no results and reality slapped me in the face. I think it mostly tapped Alex on the shoulder if I’m honest. He has and had expressed interest in having children, but he’s also been more of a shrug-of-the-shoulders attitude towards it for awhile.
Several doctor visits and lots of needle pokes later and that all too damning diagnosis came through. My first reaction wasn’t tears or anger. It was laughter. (I think I shocked the doctor)
Yup laughter. Here I am laughing at the sheer irony of having spent over $2200 on birth control, not counting annual exams, etc and all along it was built-in / FREE. Thanks Body for that little heads up!
I don’t think it really hit me what my diagnosis meant until I had to face the first pregnancy by someone I know. The barrage of emotions from that shook me. Here I was supposed to be ECSTATIC (and I was / am) and yet I was angry and sad. Angry and sad over how I felt about feeling angry and sad that I wasn’t pregnant. Angry and sad over the fact it wasn’t going to be easy. Angry and Sad that I was feeling jealous and felt like its not fair dagnabit. I got married first after all!!
Then the guilt. Oh the guilt.
Then on top of all that the struggles in Alex and I’s marriage started coming to a head. A really big, fat, re-evaluate every aspect of it head.
As I’m sure you can imagine because of all of the above, but especially the marriage parts, any thoughts of trying to become pregnant were put on hold.
So here we are four months past diagnosis. Rather than a game plan I’ve actually started avoiding all things pregnancy because I’m still angry and hurt at the situation. I used to love wandering through the baby section at Target just imagining my future, and now I go out of my way to not walk through it. I’ve had friends tell me that they’re worried they will in fact become pregnant before Alex and I and I don’t honestly know how to react.
In one sense it’s like, don’t be silly y’all! Of course I would be excited (no seriously I would) and yet the idea of still not being pregnant by the time they might makes me want to cry. I don’t want to burden my friends with this so instead I stay silent. I focus on the happy moments for the pregnant people I know but I also fully admit that I avoid baby things now.
I never knew that the diagnosis would affect more than just “aww look I’m broken” but my whole view of my body, my marriage, and even my outlook on personal dreams and wishes. Yet it has.
This isn’t a pity party (though I’m sure it sounds like one) so much as it is a reflection that an infertility diagnosis doesn’t end with “You’re infertile. Here are your options.” The repercussions are much broader than you might expect.
So for those wondering – the status right now is to continue with the 365 Love Dare and work on my marriage. To take more trips to the beach and hope that one day insurance will cover treatments. Oh and to enjoy the pregnancies and friends lives’ I do get to be involved in. To be grateful for my job, my house, the food on my table and my two little fur-babies who kiss me no matter how bad my day gets.
And to avoid that Target aisle for now.
Related posts:
For the last 12 weeks, I’ve been spending every Thursday with my friend’s daughter. Last year, her daughter gave birth when the baby was 5 months along. It died. She’s 37 and pregnant again. It took her 10 years to get pregnant the first time and due to fertility issues this is her last chance. As you can imagine, she avoided everything baby and had many of the same emotions you are having. In fact, until last week she wouldn’t even allow anything baby in the house. She is now 34 weeks along and this weekend is her baby shower. We’re all very excited the little guy to make his appearance, on time of course. Don’t give up hope and think of all the money you’re saving in the meantime. Hugs!
I forgot to mention the reason I spend every Thursday with her is she’s on complete bedrest. The only thing she can get out of bed for is to go to the bathroom.
Twitter: Mrsourma
says:
I’m so far behind on replying to comments. How is she doing? She should be almost full term now right??
She’s hanging in there and at 35 weeks! Yay, the end is in sight and it looks like she’s going to have a healthy baby. She went to the doctors today and same old, same old. Still on bedrest until he decides to make his appearance. Due day is Nov. 24th.
This was really well written Stephanie.
Twitter: Mrsourma
says:
Why thanks Mindee – coming from you that is a huge compliment since you write so wonderfully.
Sending hugs your way.
Twitter: Mrsourma
says:
I feel for you. I really mean that. I had to miscarriages and never thought I’d be able to have “my own” family. It was hard for me too a lot at the time, and even off and on for several years, to walk past baby clothes at target. Sometimes even just thinking about the avoiding them, even though I HAD avoided them made me cry. I understand the mixed feelings and anguish over pregnancies of women close to you. I had a friend who had found out he and his “new” ex were having a baby and planning on abortion…. I BEGGED him to ask her about considering an open adoption with me. It’s crazy- I never thought I’d be pleading with a friend to GIVE me THEIR baby. But it hurt so bad thinking i’d never have that and here they were ready to abort. I felt like I was already binding, lol, with that baby just imagining the poor little ones fate and all it could have been… To them… To me… To anyone. Luckily that had a happy ending, they worked it out, and “it” was a “she” named Nevaeh. She is BEAUTIFUL.
but you never know WHAT will happen in time.
Similar feelings I think are felt by moms with special needs children. My three year old son has Autism. He is amazingly wonderful, and where he is now, I wouldn’t take the autism away even if I could (but I would want to take away the parts that are painful for him emotionally/physically). But when I first saw it emerging I bawled for the loss of the life I had dreamed he would have. Or at least for what I thought was a loss. But again, not knowing the future, I had no clue what gains he would make in therapy. I hadn’t imagined it possible he would be able to communicate and relate so effectively. Some kids are not so blessed as my son. But either way, in THAT moment I didn’t know what would become of his life. I didn’t KNOW if he would be able have children one day and share the same bond we had or if the bond we had would continue to rapidly vanish. I began to mourn the loss of the bright, bubbly, and engaged baby I grew attached to. Not sure if I would ever hear the same giggles again or hear, “mama” pass his sweet lips. But I did. I have learned so much from ALL of it. It was painful, but I see now at least more clearly day to day that I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. However long a storm may rage, or come back to back, at some point each storm must end.
I hope you find a peace in all of this. I hope you can find strength and renewal. I hope you are blessed with a little life to cherish and guard over in whatever form it comes.
Argh! Lol *two not *to …I’m sleepy!
Twitter: Mrsourma
says:
Thank you so much for sharing and visiting. Its definitely a journey and one I need to update more on because we’ve found some more info. I think its hard for anyone who hasn’t been there to truly understand that while I really do see and appreciate my blessings that doesn’t mean I can’t more the sad moments too.
I really hope you’ll visit here again soon!
I feel for you! I thought you might enjoy knowing that there are lots of women that feel the exact same way.
http://saltandnectar.wordpress.com/2011/10/10/strength-delays-detours-and-yawning-potholes-on-the-road-to-reproduction/
Twitter: Mrsourma
says:
It definitely helps knowing I am not alone on this. Sometimes that’s enough – that simple knowledge that other women can relate.
Thank you for visiting and I sure hope you’ll visit again real soon.
I was 40 when we married and waited months until we actually tried. Then we both have unexplained infertility! We wasted precious time!
But, I now love to go through the baby aisle at Target since we will be adopting our second baby from foster care in just 16 days! But I still don’t go to baby showers…
Answered prayers come in unexpected ways!
Twitter: Mrsourma
says:
Those baby aisles are addicting aren’t they?? Thank you for the thoughts and comment! I sure hope you’ll be back real soon.
It’s probably good to focus on other things and not stress about it. Apparently stress never helps infertility. But don’t give up hope either because doctors are not always 100% right nor do they have all the answers. I personally believe the Man Upstairs is in charge and can sometimes surprise us with miracles. Take care. Happy SITS day!
Twitter: Mrsourma
says:
Thank you for the thoughts and well wishes. I try not to stress but as Alex says – that’s what I should have a PhD in! Visit again real soon
Sorry to hear that….I don’t think you are alone.
Twitter: Mrsourma
says:
I’m not and that’s the bit of logic that gets me through the sad days.
Thanks for visiting and come back soon!
That is a tough one to have to go through. I wish you the strength you need to travel this path and see where it takes you. I hope to a wonderful place, one way or the other.
Happy SITS Day! Enjoy the comment love today.
Hanneke
Twitter: Mrsourma
says:
I definitely am enjoying this comment love and hope I’ll have more soon!
Thank you for the wishes of strength every little bit helps and y’all really made my day!
My heart goes out to you Stephanie. I wish you and your husband the best.
Twitter: Mrsourma
says:
Aww Caren thank you!!
Thank you for sharing your story! My experience is different from yours. I’m the girl who had no problems getting pregnant while BOTH my sisters-in-law struggled with infertility. Infertility robs joy from everyone on both sides of the announcement.
Twitter: Mrsourma
says:
Yes I can see that when I found out from my friend. I’m so happy that you had no trouble though!!
Thank you for your support today and I sure hope you’ll come on by again soon
I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you (and for me) that there’s a family in our future.
Thanks for sharing!
Twitter: Mrsourma
says:
I’ve got the fingers, toes, arms, and legs crossed!
Erhm….ya’all may want to UN-cross the legs!
)
Sorry…I couldn’t resist! I DO know what you are going through. I struggled with infertility with my first and then amazingly got pregnant on “accident” with my second. It is an unbelievable rollercoaster of a journey. I am glad you shared. When I went through this almost 17 years ago, there weren’t blogs to read or the internet to share. And sometimes your close, personal, face-to-face friends really just don’t understand. It is easier to open up and be vulnerable on the internet for some reason. My prayers go out to you and anyone else in this situation. I know it’s not easy.
I know this sounds like a platitude, but things really do happen for a reason. The right thing will happen, whether its a biological child or a wonderful adoption.
Twitter: Mrsourma
says:
The logical part of me totally gets that – its the heart strings that have trouble listening.
Thank you for stopping by and supporting me today. I sure hope you’ll be back soon
Hugs to you!!! Thanks for sharing! One of my friends had been trying for 5 years to get pregnant. I got pregnant, and I almost didn’t tell her because I felt *guilty* for getting pregnant. Even though I knew she would be happy for me, I also knew it would cause her pain. I got lucky – but more importantly, she got lucky. When she came to my baby shower she told me they’d finally managed it and were expecting.
What was my point? I hope that you find family, in whatever form that takes. I hope this story of my friend gives you more hope than frustration.
Twitter: Mrsourma
says:
Aww hugs back and thank you! I’m so very happy your friend finally got that magic line
Thank you for stopping by as well and please do come back soon.
I know every single thing you’re feeling all too well. My husband and I walked this same path about five years ago. It’s a long one filled with a lot of people saying very stupid things to you thinking they’ll be helpful…”if you just relax it will happen, don’t think about it so much, I know someone who did__________and it finally worked for them…..,” and then you do all those things and you’re still frustrated. I wish I had that magic bullet answer to give you–but all I’ll say is one day you’ll know exactly why this is happening and it will be okay. We adopted our daughter two and a half years ago–that was the day of clarity for me.
Twitter: Mrsourma
says:
I have to say if you had the magic answer you’d be a bazillionaire! Its a strange and rather frustrating path but I am so grateful I’m not alone on this one.
Thank you for the comments and visit and please come back again soon!
That must be tough! Hope the Love Dare works for you guys!
Happy SITS day!
Twitter: Mrsourma
says:
It’s working so far – I’m planning on providing an update tomorrow or Saturday. I hope you’ll check it out
Thank you for my SITS day wishes as well!
Here from SITS.
I know your pain. We struggle with infertility as well. Two miscarriages, one living child and one adopted child later – it still hurts. Even with children the hurt doesn’t fade.
So I get it, from my own perspective, but I get it.
Twitter: Mrsourma
says:
So many kinds of love that you do have in your life. When you really get down, think about that. Children are a wonderful form of love to have but they’re not the only love that matters. Nice blog, though, very poignant.
Twitter: Mrsourma
says:
I do – the really hard moments are when I reach out to my Mom and other family members who struggled through the same things I’ve struggled with. Its always great to see the positive but I also know sometimes you have to let those tears fall.
Thank you for visiting and supporting me on my SITS day! I sure hope you’ll come by again!
We haven’t been diagnosed as infertile and have been told by our doctors we’re both healthy and capable, but it still hasn’t happened. We call it bad timing and maybe it is. But that sting still gets me quite often. The nagging worrying that maybe; just maybe, I might be infertile. And I justify it by trying to act like I don’t really want a child and look for reasons not to.
In all reality, I’m lying to myself. When friends announce pregnancies or births, or I see yet another celebrity pregnant, I want to scream. The “It’s not fair!” attitude and the feeling of hating (or at least strongly disliking) others around you for getting pregnant.
I wish you both the best of luck in this and hope one day you’ll be blessed with your own miracle. You have my support.
Twitter: Mrsourma
says:
Aww I wish you luck too (and I love your blog. Just saying…LOVE IT.) Honestly, if you worry please PLEASE go get checked out. Sometimes the reason is something health that you need fixed that has nothing to do with your “plumbing.”
Even if you find out you are infertile its sooooo much better to have a reason why and a plan. I’m here if you ever need to chat or ask silly questions.
Thank you so much for supporting me today and please do come back soon!
I have 3 people (close to me that I know of) who have PCOS and have had very successful multiple pregnancies/births so I know there is hope. I do believe knowing what the problem is does help. Its funny because you spend a good chuck of time trying NOT to get pregnant and then you don’t think it will be so hard to get pregnant. I’m sure that this isn’t the mos comforting but I do hope that hope is not lost. Good luck!