I wish I was wonderfully great at marriage as I feel a lot of the bloggers I read are. But truth be told, I’m not. I’m just trying to muddle through one very messed up life now. I even cop to wishing for a return receipt some days. Days when I would like to exchange the “model” spouse I have with an upgrade please dear God! Then 20 minutes later I’m giggling with the man I did marry and remembering why I am looking forward to our 50th anniversary.
It’s so hard to explain what is going on, in part because I have a line of what to share. In part because I’m not all that sure myself, so HA, I can’t explain what I don’t understand. I do know I’m trying to walk the line and find my balance.
The other day Alex and I had a disagreement of epic proportions. He has a friend, whom he connects with because of his own past, which I respect. I don’t personally get along with this man….just a personality difference, no big deal in the normal scheme. Things took a turn from normal though. This young man (he is younger than even my own siblings i.e. over 5 years younger than me) was put in such a situation that he is / was homeless. No car, no job, no money, no place to stay. Alex briefly asked me what I thought of him moving with us, and I’ll admit, I reacted poorly and immediately with a “HELL NO!”
I have my own personality quirks, and quite frankly living with someone is extremely hard for me. Alex is the only person outside of my own family, and one college roommate, that I can honestly say I have no problems living with. Only, Alex didn’t like my no – felt the situation was an emergency, and Voila. We had a new roommate.
I was … displeased… to say the least. The fight(s) that followed were anything but pleasant, but really what kind of fight is, but we did manage to clarify a few things. The least of which is we WILL be helping this man get a step up into his new life by providing a roof, some leadership / guidance on being “on his own”, and food.
It also led me to lean down in prayer in church two weeks ago and just ask for help. I honestly don’t know what a “good” marriage looks like. I am pretty sure marriage isn’t supposed to be as hard as ours is, but it’s the marriage I have. I do love Alex and want to be his wife, and he loves me and wants to be my husband – hence us being married and all that jazz. But we are just so darn different in so many ways.
It’s ironic that I have a marriage blog, that I started to help share with others the real story of “I-Do” when I’m here, staring at a 3 year anniversary that’s only a few months away wondering to myself if I have any real clue of what marriage is. As open as the internet is, I doubt that everyone tells the REAL story of what is going on in their marriage. So I sit here wondering “Are we normal?” “Are we so far off the deep end of marriage that maybe we should take a good hard look at ‘us’ and our marriage?”
I’m trying to sort out what is and isn’t normal, while trying to see if my own expectations are setting a bar too high or if I’m “ok.” This past weekend we had a crappy morning not because we fought but because sometimes communicating is hard, by that evening though we had a private dinner and it really was good. Some awkward silence due to the morning, but we’re still cuddling in bed every night.
Seriously though, where the hell is the freaking rule and guide-book for marriage that ought to come with your marriage certificate? Who do I need to appeal to, to get the copy I was so clearly not mailed?!?
The blog won’t be all dumpsy daisy, swear it, just – keeping it real.