I wish I was wonderfully great at marriage as I feel a lot of the bloggers I read are. But truth be told, I’m not. I’m just trying to muddle through one very messed up life now. I even cop to wishing for a return receipt some days. Days when I would like to exchange the “model” spouse I have with an upgrade please dear God! Then 20 minutes later I’m giggling with the man I did marry and remembering why I am looking forward to our 50th anniversary.
It’s so hard to explain what is going on, in part because I have a line of what to share. In part because I’m not all that sure myself, so HA, I can’t explain what I don’t understand. I do know I’m trying to walk the line and find my balance.
The other day Alex and I had a disagreement of epic proportions. He has a friend, whom he connects with because of his own past, which I respect. I don’t personally get along with this man….just a personality difference, no big deal in the normal scheme. Things took a turn from normal though. This young man (he is younger than even my own siblings i.e. over 5 years younger than me) was put in such a situation that he is / was homeless. No car, no job, no money, no place to stay. Alex briefly asked me what I thought of him moving with us, and I’ll admit, I reacted poorly and immediately with a “HELL NO!”
I have my own personality quirks, and quite frankly living with someone is extremely hard for me. Alex is the only person outside of my own family, and one college roommate, that I can honestly say I have no problems living with. Only, Alex didn’t like my no – felt the situation was an emergency, and Voila. We had a new roommate.
I was … displeased… to say the least. The fight(s) that followed were anything but pleasant, but really what kind of fight is, but we did manage to clarify a few things. The least of which is we WILL be helping this man get a step up into his new life by providing a roof, some leadership / guidance on being “on his own”, and food.
It also led me to lean down in prayer in church two weeks ago and just ask for help. I honestly don’t know what a “good” marriage looks like. I am pretty sure marriage isn’t supposed to be as hard as ours is, but it’s the marriage I have. I do love Alex and want to be his wife, and he loves me and wants to be my husband – hence us being married and all that jazz. But we are just so darn different in so many ways.
It’s ironic that I have a marriage blog, that I started to help share with others the real story of “I-Do” when I’m here, staring at a 3 year anniversary that’s only a few months away wondering to myself if I have any real clue of what marriage is. As open as the internet is, I doubt that everyone tells the REAL story of what is going on in their marriage. So I sit here wondering “Are we normal?” “Are we so far off the deep end of marriage that maybe we should take a good hard look at ‘us’ and our marriage?”
I’m trying to sort out what is and isn’t normal, while trying to see if my own expectations are setting a bar too high or if I’m “ok.” This past weekend we had a crappy morning not because we fought but because sometimes communicating is hard, by that evening though we had a private dinner and it really was good. Some awkward silence due to the morning, but we’re still cuddling in bed every night.
Seriously though, where the hell is the freaking rule and guide-book for marriage that ought to come with your marriage certificate? Who do I need to appeal to, to get the copy I was so clearly not mailed?!?
The blog won’t be all dumpsy daisy, swear it, just – keeping it real.
Your marriage sounds perfectly normal! For sure! I also am entering into my 3rd year of marraige soon. Marriage is hard, it isn’t easy, think about growing up with your family, weren’t there times you just “hated” them that is what I think. I think of the screaming matches my sister and I have had growing up together. As pretty newly married we are figuring each other out, and learnign what makes the other person “tick” good and bad. I love reading about marriage and God’s plan with marriage, and I have found that reading books and going to marriage conferences has really helped my husband and I understand a little bit better what the other is thinking/going through and how we should reacting to one another. My husband and I just went to the love and respect marriage conference and one thing that really hit home to the both of us (and another couple we went with) was we need to honor and love our spouse out of honor for Jesus. And when we honor (treat them right, even when they don’t deserve it, or MOSTLY when they don’t deserve it) we are honoring God! And that just really hit home, how am I treating spouse, in turn how am I treating God?
Have a good day! Sorry for my book I just wrote! haha!
Twitter: Mrsourma
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I’m so glad you think it is normal. Its hard as an insider to judge when you know that the world doesn’t show you everything.
Marriage is hard and trust me the second one isn’t a walk in the park either. Just different styles that take getting used to.
A word of advice (take it as you wish) but when I was married the first time, my ex-husband had a buddy in a situation similar to the one that your husband’s friend is in. Put a time limit on how long he can freeload off of you. If he doesn’t have a job within a month and making progress towards helping himself, then it’s time to show him the door and give him a map to the shelter. He’s not going to change and doesn’t want to change. Yes, it might be hard but they always seem to find someone else to mooch off of. I did it to my ex-husband’s buddy and within 2 days he had another sucker on the line. The sad part is that was over 30 years ago and he’s still mooching off anyone he can.
Twitter: Mrsourma
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Well I took your advice and discussed this with Alex – more on this later, but suffice to say we have a SHARED plan.
Twitter: RomanticMarr
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Stephanie, it is normal for marriages to go through hard times. I recently read an article that claimed the third year is the year when most divorces happen. The infatuation stage of love has been over for a while and the couple has been struggling to move on to the next stage of their love and develop a long-term working plan for their relationship. With faith and commitment, it can be done!
It’s likely that bringing a third person into the home at this point will add to your personal stress and the pressures on the marriage. So be prepared. If you plan ahead for how you are going to cope with various possible scenarios and conversations, it will be much easier to handle the situation. Try to avoid just reacting out of surprise and anger. You, your husband, and the friend, all need to agree on what the rules and boundaries are. Bev is absolutely right that there must be a time limit. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a month or something else, as long as it is honored by all concerned. In the meantime, good luck.
Rosemary recently posted..Financial Honesty
Twitter: Mrsourma
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I think that reacting out of surprise is going to be my biggest personal challenge. I don’t handle it well and I handle it less when its a “bad” surprise.
Wow… I feel like maybe this is a theme for those of us approaching three years.. Most certainly sounds normal to me! I think the best advice I’ve been given is that a marriage is like a roller coaster and you have the have the faith that it will get better. At times that faith is hard to come by but it is what eventually gets us through the hard times, which we have definitely faced. Having a life partner is priceless and it sounds like you have a great one!
Alexis McM recently posted..Beautiful Saturday
Twitter: Mrsourma
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Y’all have no idea how much better I feel now. Hearing others say they relate really makes me take a step back and say “its not so bad”. Thank you!!