July 23, 2014

When a Heart Breaks

Life is never what you expect it to be. Or at least mine hasn’t been. I had dreams and plans from 10 years ago, 5 years ago and even one year ago that seem to be crumbling around me.

I’m on the verge of a divorce and I don’t know how to handle my every day as my moods change wildly each day. I say “verge” because well…the situation isn’t “final” or “official.” I can’t and won’t bother speaking for Alex this go around. I will say that he made the last push for this step and it shocked the hell out of me.

I suppose it shouldn’t have, we’ve never really gotten better since the affair. We’ve tried but it’s a hard place to crawl up out of and we never seemed to be able to do it. To top it off he changed his mind about having kids. He doesn’t want them, ever, (or so he says…deep in my heart I still wonder if it’s just WITH ME that causes the issue). I do. We’re at an impasse.

So now I sit staring at my favorite season of the year with a wedding anniversary in 11 days wondering what the hell is happening to my life. We stopped wearing our wedding bands…I see no point because they represent a promise we seem to be barreling towards failing at. That anniversary has become a dreaded day for me.

I feel it’s so naïve of me to want it to work out. To want this magical button to happen that turns everything around, to sleep in the same room again, to wear wedding bands, to want children together and to not look at 9-12 as a day to fear but rather rejoice. Only this time…I can’t find it in me to see the light. I swing from sad, to angry and back towards ambivalent. Is that bad? I want it just hurry up and happen whatever IT is so that I can move on.

It’s a strange place to be in; hoping that my marriage will magically work out while secretly wondering what would happen if I start over. How do I start over??? I suck at dating. The wedding dress, rings, wedding and yes the groom were exactly what I wanted. How do I replace all that? What if I don’t?! I want a family that involves kids, what if it takes 10 years. WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?

Oh, hey we have a house and joint ____ accounts (you name it, we share it)…how do we split all that up? Its just so much shit to process that I go home and I sit. I don’t deal because a large part of me hopes that if I ignore it, it will all go away.

Comments

  1. I’m sorry. It’s shocking when you “play by the rules” and the universe still doesn’t cooperate. I saw a quote on Pinterest the other day about having faith that the best is yet to come – it is certainly not behind you. Make a list of all the things you can do now, or things you hate that you no longer have to do – all the things you won’t miss. You have no doubt discovered inner strength through your tribulations and you will surely continue to impress yourself. Take care of yourself and if you want to just sit then just sit.

    • Stephanie
      Twitter: Mrsourma
      says:

      Thank you Erika. You helped me remember that I do need to look forward because who knows what’s up ahead!

  2. I just felt compelled to come on here and tell you that everything is going to be alright. When my first marriage ended, I was absolutely shattered. All the plans that I had for my life were utterly destroyed, and I was so overwhelmed at how to untangle our lives and start from scratch. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. That first round of holidays was miserable, but I survived. And step by step, I built a new life. Ironically, signing the papers, though I cried like a baby the whole time, was cathartic in a way. That was when the healing really began. I was no longer a wife to someone who did not want to be my husband. I was my own person once more. And though, like you, I subconciously went to touch my rings (except I did it with my third finger, not my thumb) and that continued for quite some time, eventually it happened less and less. Its hard for you to believe now, but time truly does heal everything. The day WILL come where you wont hurt, wont cry, and can look back at the good times with fond indifference. You will be happy again, I promise. Its a different happiness, but just as deep. You will be braver. Because when you survive the worst things you could ever imagine happening, you start to fear less. If it is truly the desire of your heart to have children, you’ll have them. I dont know how or when, but I promise you, you will. I never thought I’d get the chance to expand my family, but I did. I never thought I would remarry, but I did. You are just at the beggining now, so everything is overwhelming, but you will come through it. I know from experience. Just keep going one day at a time.

  3. It IS scary to think about starting over. But if you shift your focus into thinking that it is actually a blank slate and you have an opportunity to do things differently, it starts to help you move forward. I never dated before. I was with my ex since I was 19. I was 29 and had to start dating. what the what?! SO hard and scary at first but I learned so much and it led to me meeting M, the true love of my life. hang in there.
    Jolene recently posted..The journey…six years later.My Profile

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