Life is never what you expect it to be. Or at least mine hasn’t been. I had dreams and plans from 10 years ago, 5 years ago and even one year ago that seem to be crumbling around me.
I’m on the verge of a divorce and I don’t know how to handle my every day as my moods change wildly each day. I say “verge” because well…the situation isn’t “final” or “official.” I can’t and won’t bother speaking for Alex this go around. I will say that he made the last push for this step and it shocked the hell out of me.
I suppose it shouldn’t have, we’ve never really gotten better since the affair. We’ve tried but it’s a hard place to crawl up out of and we never seemed to be able to do it. To top it off he changed his mind about having kids. He doesn’t want them, ever, (or so he says…deep in my heart I still wonder if it’s just WITH ME that causes the issue). I do. We’re at an impasse.
So now I sit staring at my favorite season of the year with a wedding anniversary in 11 days wondering what the hell is happening to my life. We stopped wearing our wedding bands…I see no point because they represent a promise we seem to be barreling towards failing at. That anniversary has become a dreaded day for me.
I feel it’s so naïve of me to want it to work out. To want this magical button to happen that turns everything around, to sleep in the same room again, to wear wedding bands, to want children together and to not look at 9-12 as a day to fear but rather rejoice. Only this time…I can’t find it in me to see the light. I swing from sad, to angry and back towards ambivalent. Is that bad? I want it just hurry up and happen whatever IT is so that I can move on.
It’s a strange place to be in; hoping that my marriage will magically work out while secretly wondering what would happen if I start over. How do I start over??? I suck at dating. The wedding dress, rings, wedding and yes the groom were exactly what I wanted. How do I replace all that? What if I don’t?! I want a family that involves kids, what if it takes 10 years. WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?
Oh, hey we have a house and joint ____ accounts (you name it, we share it)…how do we split all that up? Its just so much shit to process that I go home and I sit. I don’t deal because a large part of me hopes that if I ignore it, it will all go away.