I am working on moving forward. It’s a slow, not always steady work in progress wherein I know it doesn’t make sense to the outside world. It barely makes sense to me. Here’s the thing – for someone who always has “a plan” and who wants to get the “why” to everything, I’ve really learned that not everything makes sense.
I’ll pop these up once or twice a week, knowing they are my thoughts from a week or more past, to let y’all see just what divorce does to my brain. The healing that can occur and to understand (because I have found SEVERAL blogs that speak to me) that divorce doesn’t always mean hate.
Without Further Ado: My #DivorceDiary
Today I feel: I still feel naked most days even though its been almost two months since I stopped really wearing my wedding and engagement ring. Some days I still rub my finger with my thumb like I used to do, only to remember that there is no ring anymore. Well at least not one that I can or would wear. In fact I don’t wear any of the jewelry he gave me. I hope one day I’ll be able to wear some of the less “us” pieces again because they are nice. I just don’t know when.
Currently my life looks like: We’re working on getting rid of the house now and I feel literally ill at the idea of being completely on my own. I know I say I’m relieved that all the fighting will be done, but God I will miss him. I will miss cooking dinner for someone else, cuddling on the couch watching t.v. together, talking to someone about how their / my day went and yes sharing the household chores. I’m realistic about that. I honestly look around the house and my brain comes to a full stop when it thinks about packing and moving. That will probably when I need family / friends the most. I stank at packing when Alex and I moved me from my apartment in Dunwoody (he did most of it) and even more when we moved from OUR apartment to OUR house. This move, it’s going to put me on my knees and I know it. So – if I don’t reach out then, just do me a favor and show up. Of all the days to not leave me alone (even if I can’t really function) that will be the day I truly need you. That first few days of being completely and totally alone because that will also mean the papers are coming.
I’m dreading: The holidays are going to be hell. That’s it – as simple and as complex as it gets. I have struggled with the dividing of “stuff” already, not because we’re fighting over that or anything, but because of what it all means. I get overwhelmed easily because I just can’t fathom how you separate two lives that have been together for almost 6 years now. It’s hard to process. Then I think about the holiday décor – Christmas in particular. We have ornaments from our honeymoon that are very “honeymoon” specific. The stocking that we bought just for him – that kind of stuff. I really did revel in decorating our house for holidays, of making it beautiful for him (and me), but now the only one who will appreciate all that are my animals. It hurts. I’m also dreading Thanksgiving Day. Why? Because that’s the day Alex proposed to me in 2008. Oh and I’m dreading the day we sign papers finalizing everything. Alex and I know the plan – that’s helpful, it won’t be a total and complete shock. But it still…well I can’t imagine anyone would be surprised by the fact that I’m dreading it nor can they blame me.
I’m looking forward to: Decorating my new place (wherever and whenever that is) so that I can begin to heal. To furniture shopping, not that I’ll have the money to do it right away but hey eventually I’ll need stuff to sit on in the living room right? I have made a list of several things I want to achieve by 12/31/13 so I look forward to crossing things off that list. I’ll make it little by little.
I’m grateful for: My family who despite the struggles I’ve thrown their way while I struggle have stayed by my side. Friends who respect the space I need and yet push me to climb out of my whole. Truth be told, Alex, for forcing us into this position with the hope that at the end of this rather horrible path I’ll find a new one that leads me to better and brighter things. An AMAZING boss and co-workers who have been kind, generous, understanding and caring through the ups and downs. How blessed I am to have found this job. And of course my pets. My babies. The fuzzies who come up to me in the middle of the night so I never wake alone (even if they are just begging for food) they ensure at my lowest I have someone who will lean on me and purr or wag a tail.