Beating at the Wall

February 8, 2012 By 9 Comments
Sometimes my heart hurts so much when I think about children that I literally get short of breath. Part of me hasn’t wanted to type this post, because I have friends who read this who will likely get hurt by the things I’m saying even though it’s not about them. It’s really about my feelings and emotions, but I need the outlet that this blog provides. That y’all provide me.
Post-graduation I have watched as friend after friend became a parent, and for the most part I haven’t thought of it. Then after I found out about the infertility issues, I was still positive.

HA! In fact I remember thinking (and talking about) my first thought being “You mean I could have saved HOW MUCH MONEY on birth control all these years?” I mean, y’all it’s built into my body. Boo-yah! 

And then it happened, that person who triggers an avalanche of emotions that you NEVER expect announces their pregnancy. I’m sure I’ve damaged our friendship by some of my bemoaning, and by my avoidance of her. I feel bad, but when I literally cry at some of the images that come to mind I felt it best for both our sakes to just avoid it. We’ve had maybe one or two honest discussions about my feelings and hers, but for the most part I try to only talk to her when I can be 100% there for her, her husband, and their child.
Then on Facebook another announcement and another and another have followed. I’m sure the number isn’t unusual; it’s just hitting me harder and harder with each one. Alex and I have fought repeatedly about our situation. He, understandably, wants a romantic situation not a test lab. He wants a marriage that isn’t where ours is at. I get so ANGRY sometimes that even when I find myself trying to sew the gift I have, I have to walk away. 

I’m not angry at anyone in particular, I’m just angry. I’m hurting. I feel so very very alone. The truth is Alex and I are getting better, but we need to not have children yet. (Yes Yet. I am EXTREMELY grateful I live in a country that allows me access to doctors and medicine that gives us the chance at a yet rather than a never. The feelings don’t stop though.) So yet again, I’m forced into a situation where sometime that I so desperately look forward too must wait because of screw-ups he made. That makes me angry. 

Most of the people I talk to in person are not supportive. In fact about 95% of them don’t 1. Get why I’m so emotional about all this and 2. Don’t see why I don’t just “get over it.” Oh.Em.Gee y’all. 

Y’all this doesn’t help the alone feeling OR the anger. In fact it makes it worse because then I keep it all inside my heart until it literally boils over in a massive, dangerous brew.
I wish I knew a way over this roadblock of hurt and anger and sadness, but I feel like I’m ramming my head through a brick wall. And rather than having just one person reach out and hold my hand and help me knock down the wall, people are standing on the sidelines shouting out advice. Advice that is useless when you are so busy battering to FIX the issue
Filed Under: infertility Tagged With: , , ,

To the Miracle Maker

December 7, 2011 By 11 Comments

Today’s post is courtesy of MamaKat and her wonderfully fun Writing Prompts. Today’s prompt is “An Open Letter to Santa”
Mama’s Losin’ It

Dear Santa,

Hey there big guy, I hope the year has treated you well. Are you ready for the final push before your annual vacation to the Keys? I’m sure you can’t wait to hand out all of the goodies to the girls and boys of the world!

click for source

Alex and I will ensure that we leave out enough cookies, milk, and carrots for you AND any potential helpers you have with you this year because we want to make sure we share the joy.

I hate to ask for something that probably isn’t in your big bag of magic, but this year I do have one really big Christmas wish.

Santa, I’d really like a break for Christmas this year. We’ve dealt with the diagnosis for Infertility. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression. The meds are helping though, so I can handle this I think. Then Alex and I almost got a divorce, but we’ve managed to come really far in this by doing our Love Dare and some marriage counseling. Oh and my Dad was in a motorcycle accident, but luckily is doing a lot better. Now, only a month ago Alex was laid off from his job, only to end up in the ER a few days later.

I know we are lucky to have my income and to have the ability to pay our bills (most of the time), but so many of our friends are succeeding and flourishing. Alex and I don’t want a mansion (who would want to dust the place??), but we would like the ability to pay our mortgage without stressing. We just want a chance to be comfortable. We’d like him to go to work and have a chance at a career with growth and future potential. However, right now we’d take a job where he could earn an income.

We’re trying so hard to be grateful for the many many blessings we have, but its harder and harder with each piece of straw placed on our backs. So for Christmas this year, all I’d like is a break.

I sure hope your trip is safe and warm (though I imagine many things will be warmer than the North Pole). Please be sure to give Dasher and Prancer a little nose rub from me as I’ve always been huge fans of their work.

With much love and a small sigh,

Stephanie

Filed Under: 365 Love Dare, infertility, Marriage Adventures Tagged With: , , ,

Health Insurance Pisses Me Off

November 22, 2011 By 6 Comments

I am thankful to have a job. I’m EXTREMELY thankful to have a job with health benefits. I’m just irked with the health insurance right now.

The company I work for recently underwent an integration and became a part of a much larger company. The larger company does have awesome benefits which is part of why Alex and I elected to wait on an infertility treatments because the old health insurance covered…well nothing actually. Everything we were told was the new insurance would cover SOME costs.

Pshaw…I just signed up for our 2012 benefits and I called the new insurance company for clarification on some of the wording. Only for them to kindly inform me that they’ll cover the treatment of infertility only if it’s a medical diagnosis but once it enters “infertility” they don’t cover it.

So I asked if that meant they’d cover things like PCOS treatment, which is a medical condition that has been diagnosed so it’s not like I’m making this up y’all, and they said “Well no. Basically we’ll only cover it if your infertility is due to items like cancer.”

WTF?!?!

Sorry – I know I’ve never let loose crazy language here but I am so irked. Insurance companies go and say sure we’ll tell you that you have an issue but you’re screwed once it comes to TREATING it. It just makes me so dang angry. I’m not asking for a hand out or anything, I’m asking for the treatment of something that my body has led to be anything BUT free to not cost me my mortgage payment. I don’t see how that is an unreasonable wish.

Alex and I are continuing to put off this whole baby thing which just sucks because well, I’d kinda like to not be the LAST friend I know I.R.L. to have kids. I’m tired of people asking me “So are you trying yet? It will happen soon right?” and all I can ever say is we’re keeping our options open and will accept any blessing we receive.

Again – this isn’t a pity party. This is simply the facts…insurance doesn’t help women who want to become mothers but can’t. The system is totally jacked and sometimes….it pisses me off.

I’m really grateful I have people like my Mom and fellow bloggers like Craving Mommyhood who can relate. Ladies am I right about insurance or not?

Filed Under: infertility, Marriage Adventures

MommyPage {Dot} Com

October 26, 2011 By 1 Comment

MommyPage {dot} com was kind enough to interview me recently about my blog and more specifically Alex and I’s journey into infertility. You can check out my interview HERE.

Y’all should totally check this site out because they have a TON of coupons just for Mom’s. And quite frankly, a lot of great ones even if you aren’t a mom. Like Me! In the meantime, I’m gonna let Sarah Abfalter from MommyPage tell you a little more about this place.

We’ve just launched a new site, MommyPage, to bring expectant moms, new moms and veteran moms a single source to all of the deals, coupons and savings opportunities offered online!Our goal at MommyPage is to scour the internet to find and consolidate the latest free samples, coupons, and special offers from some of the best name brands that moms like us love!  When the brands we love most aren’t offering something special – we have a team of moms that reach out to those companies to encourage them to offer something great to our MommyPage Turners!   MommyPage currently has found and posted offers such as VTech Kids, Kellogg’s, ThredUp, Baby Talk and American Baby!

Beyond our offers and deals, MommyPage helps all moms navigate their way through parenting.  Our community of moms share stories on buying maternity clothing, healthy eating for two, baby behavior, first day at preschool and more!  Being a mom is about managing a home and a lifestyle.  With our tips on parenting and access to savings, we hope to help moms make parenthood a successful adventure!

We hope that you allow us to join you in your adventure in parenting!  Visit our Mommy Page today.

Thanks Sarah! Y’all should go check it out, and don’t forget to read my interview!

Filed Under: Family, infertility, Marriage Adventures, Reviews Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Infertility’s Unexpected Diagnosis

October 13, 2011 By 43 Comments

Infertility is not something I ever expected to deal with in my life. Despite the knowledge that it existed in my family I just somehow assumed that this little “gift” would pass me by.

Fast forward to Alex and I “trying but not trying” for over a year and no results and reality slapped me in the face.  I think it mostly tapped Alex on the shoulder if I’m honest. He has and had expressed interest in having children, but he’s also been more of a shrug-of-the-shoulders attitude towards it for awhile.

Several doctor visits and lots of needle pokes later and that all too damning diagnosis came through. My first reaction wasn’t tears or anger. It was laughter. (I think I shocked the doctor)

Yup laughter. Here I am laughing at the sheer irony of having spent over $2200 on birth control, not counting annual exams, etc and all along it was built-in / FREE. Thanks Body for that little heads up!

I don’t think it really hit me what my diagnosis meant until I had to face the first pregnancy by someone I know. The barrage of emotions from that shook me. Here I was supposed to be ECSTATIC (and I was / am) and yet I was angry and sad. Angry and sad over how I felt about feeling angry and sad that I wasn’t pregnant. Angry and sad over the fact it wasn’t going to be easy. Angry and Sad that I was feeling jealous and felt like its not fair dagnabit. I got married first after all!!

Then the guilt. Oh the guilt.

Then on top of all that the struggles in Alex and I’s marriage started coming to a head. A really big, fat, re-evaluate every aspect of it head.

As I’m sure you can imagine because of all of the above, but especially the marriage parts, any thoughts of trying to become pregnant were put on hold.

So here we are four months past diagnosis. Rather than a game plan I’ve actually started avoiding all things pregnancy because I’m still angry and hurt at the situation. I used to love wandering through the baby section at Target just imagining my future, and now I go out of my way to not walk through it. I’ve had friends tell me that they’re worried they will in fact become pregnant before Alex and I and I don’t honestly know how to react.

In one sense it’s like, don’t be silly y’all! Of course I would be excited (no seriously I would) and yet the idea of still not being pregnant by the time they might makes me want to cry. I don’t want to burden my friends with this so instead I stay silent. I focus on the happy moments for the pregnant people I know but I also fully admit that I avoid baby things now.

I never knew that the diagnosis would affect more than just “aww look I’m broken” but my whole view of my body, my marriage, and even my outlook on personal dreams and wishes. Yet it has.

This isn’t a pity party (though I’m sure it sounds like one) so much as it is a reflection that an infertility diagnosis doesn’t end with “You’re infertile. Here are your options.” The repercussions are much broader than you might expect.

So for those wondering – the status right now is to continue with the 365 Love Dare and work on my marriage. To take more trips to the beach and hope that one day insurance will cover treatments. Oh and to enjoy the pregnancies and friends lives’ I do get to be involved in.  To be grateful for my job, my house, the food on my table and my two little fur-babies who kiss me no matter how bad my day gets.

And to avoid that Target aisle for now.

Filed Under: infertility, Marriage Adventures Tagged With: , ,

Our State of Ovary

July 19, 2011 By 11 Comments

Well as I mentioned in my last post (sorry for the sporadic, but trying to keep posts actually topical and not nonsensical) I took last Friday off to go to the doctor again! My appointment was at 9:30 and I managed to be finished with the actual appointment and then subsequent lab visit by 11:30 so altogether not too bad.

Yesterday I got the lab results and spoke to my doctor about what everything means. To sum it all up…

I am infertile. I’m considered infertile because I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) however it is treatable. YAY medical science! I was diagnosed with PCOS through blood work. My ultrasound was normal, which basically means I didn’t SHOW any cysts. (Which btw, just because you PCOS doesn’t mean you have many cysts…go figure.) The lab work however should I have an extremely high anti-mullerian hormones (AMH for short). You can read some of the previous posts here, here or here.

Now for the explaining part, because I had to ask my Doctor…so I’m betting I’m not the only clueless one. First, PCOS doesn’t necessary mean cysts like you might be thinking. In fact it almost always implies you have a whole bunch of follicles working every month. My high count of AMH is what triggers that in me. Effectively my ovaries do not release eggs. Good Job Ovaries!

(They are like mini-hoarders…or they just find boys yucky and avoid them at all costs, it depends on your point of view.)

So hey, now that I know I have PCOS because I have high levels of AMH, I had to find out whether it was caused by insulin resistance. That’s what Friday was all about. So post-bruise (seriously, labs must you bruise me so?!) I have learned I am NOT. YAY! Which means I get to take the commonly prescribed drug Clomid. (Well the generic version anyway.) So now that we have all that little info, what’s next? Let me tell you!

In the normal course of starting treatment you get your drugs (HOLLA! These ones are legal AND give me a great excuse to be grumpy…mwahhaha.) You take said drugs for days 2 – 7 of your “cycle” which theoretically jump-starts the ovary battery factory into actually, you know, doing their job. Then you get to use the ovulation predictor kit for days 12 – 16 to watch for a magical pink line. Said pink line means one thing….time to get behind some closed doors. Then you hold your breath for a few weeks (ok not really, because you’d be really really blue if you did) and in week 4 you head off to the doctor AGAIN. The doctor then checks you for any signs of alien life forms and if you are in the clear you go home, and repeat again.

If there be life in that there factory than congratulations you now have a bun (or buns…this is fertility treatments we are talking about…thus multiples are a possibility) in the oven! The eagle has landed! You’ve made life Dr Frankenstein! (Can you tell I’m keeping a sense of humor in all of this?)

Of course, Alex and I have chosen to do the opposite. We go all the way up to the doctor going “Which pharmacy?” and responded…”NONE!” Basically, we’re taking a break. We want to work on getting a few things straightened out personally to ensure that when the above monthly treatments (AND BILLS) start we’ll be prepared.

So there you have it in a nutshell, PCOS is a P.I.T.A. but at least the birth control is free now!

Filed Under: Family, infertility, Marriage Adventures Tagged With: , , , ,

Infertility update and HSG details

June 3, 2011 By 16 Comments

I’m so going to hold the last few years over my future child’s head. I’ll keep it in reserve for when they complain about how horrible I am (it’s bound to happen) or perhaps when they wish they had never been born to such strict and horrible (see above) parents. Then I’ll look at them and go “Do you know how much WORK when in to getting you to even be a TWINKLE in our eyes?!”

That should gross them out long enough to allow me time to come up with another zinger for their teenage angst. I hope.

Let’s see, so far on this happy journey we’ve “tried” for 15 months now. A few weeks ago I went to the lab for my first lab visit.

The result? I’m low on progesterone. Which is kinda important, or so they say. Plus, the doctor wants me to repeat this one again in a few months.

Last Friday I went to lab visit #2. WEEE! More needle pokes. (Lording it!) I’m awaiting those particular results still.

Then Wednesday morning I went to the HOSPITAL for test #3. This one was the least pleasant and yet most strikingly interesting of the three. I had a HSG preformed.

I even got a fancy bracelet with a pretty red dot on it!


** SKIP NOW IF YOU DON’T WANT DETAILS….TRUST ME **

Things to know about your HSG appointment:

  1. You get socks to wear. YAY! 
  2. Unlike the Gyno, you get to wear the gown open to your back. It’s a moment.
  3. If you are lucky, your nurse will cover your legs with a blanket because for some dumb reason they keep the room with the metal slab you have to lay on for half an hour or more FREEZING. I had a nice nurse. (THANK GOODNESS!)
  4. You think the Gyno is awkward. This is worse….because it comes with real-time photos.
  5. Speaking of photos, you’ll learn things about yourself that you never knew.
  6. At the end, you’re cramping, probably feeling a tad awkward, needing to get dressed and um have an over-abundance of dye in your pelvic region and the pad they hand you to prevent “messes” could stop a leak at the hover dam. Just sayin.

** DETAILS OVER. READ AGAIN **

So effectively after all the weird moments I learned that I’m so crooked the doctor had trouble figuring out how to take an accurate picture.

GO ME!

(I live to confound and baffle medical science. Or just be plain ol’ weird. I’m open-minded.)

So what this all means I don’t actually know yet because the results from last Friday’s lab, Alex’s :: ahem :: “work-up,” and then my crooked as crooked gets self will all be sent to my doctor by Friday or next Monday.

Then I will hopefully get a call where-in the doctor laughs at the idea that we thought we could achieve all this like they said it would happen in science class. Then….we get a plan.

Feel free to ask any questions you may have. I’ll answer questions about any aspect of this, because if there is one thing I learned it’s that there aren’t nearly enough answers to infertility questions on the web.

Filed Under: infertility, Marriage Adventures Tagged With: , , ,

An Update, Good Finds, and a Gift Fulfilled

May 25, 2011 By 12 Comments

First – I hope everyone is safe with these crazy storms we’ve been having.

The past several days have been busy, busy, busy in our household. Only its mostly been me running around without my head because Alex has been working and then chilling. He’s clearly smarter than I am.

Friday I went to the doctor for my first infertility lab work up. It wasn’t a huge deal, because it was just getting my blood drawn. Only I’m terrified of needles now. Which led to me giggling like a hyena while the poor lab tech tried to draw my blood. So that part was hilarious and pathetic. I hope to get the results of this first test soon (in fact I have a voice mail to call the doctor’s office tomorrow) which should let me know how my progesterone levels are. Test #2 should be in roughly a week and then the HSG test another week or so after that. However, next test I think I’m going to try to giggle less so I look a little less like I stuck myself.

Saturday I went out with my Mom and we went shopping all over town. She had some errands to run, we had some things to talk about, and then we were going to go get our nails done as her Mother’s Day gift. One of the places we stopped was the antique store. I found several great finds for our house.

A lamp to help brighten our t.v. area that has a really interesting base in cast iron.

Then this fun tea-light holder that I’m just using as Holiday Decor for now. I figure I can pull it out for Memorial Day, Fourth of July, and Labor Day which just suits me fine!

Finally, Mom and I were able to get our nails done. Normally I get something boring like pale pink, white, etc. She gets crazy loud colors like neon green, passion purple, and red hot chili pepper. Or all of them at once. This time we must have switched rolls because I ended up with the crazy colors.

Bright orange as a nod to the Burning.Hot.Sun. that has been in the Georgia backyard lately.

Sunday we tried yet another new church. Then we laid out in a pool…finally. Now I’m just counting the days until this weekend because its a long weekend!

What are y’all doing for Memorial Day Weekend?


Filed Under: infertility, Marriage Adventures, Our House Tagged With: , , , ,
« Older Posts