Infertility is not something I ever expected to deal with in my life. Despite the knowledge that it existed in my family I just somehow assumed that this little “gift” would pass me by.
Fast forward to Alex and I “trying but not trying” for over a year and no results and reality slapped me in the face. I think it mostly tapped Alex on the shoulder if I’m honest. He has and had expressed interest in having children, but he’s also been more of a shrug-of-the-shoulders attitude towards it for awhile.
Several doctor visits and lots of needle pokes later and that all too damning diagnosis came through. My first reaction wasn’t tears or anger. It was laughter. (I think I shocked the doctor)
Yup laughter. Here I am laughing at the sheer irony of having spent over $2200 on birth control, not counting annual exams, etc and all along it was built-in / FREE. Thanks Body for that little heads up!
I don’t think it really hit me what my diagnosis meant until I had to face the first pregnancy by someone I know. The barrage of emotions from that shook me. Here I was supposed to be ECSTATIC (and I was / am) and yet I was angry and sad. Angry and sad over how I felt about feeling angry and sad that I wasn’t pregnant. Angry and sad over the fact it wasn’t going to be easy. Angry and Sad that I was feeling jealous and felt like its not fair dagnabit. I got married first after all!!
Then the guilt. Oh the guilt.
Then on top of all that the struggles in Alex and I’s marriage started coming to a head. A really big, fat, re-evaluate every aspect of it head.
As I’m sure you can imagine because of all of the above, but especially the marriage parts, any thoughts of trying to become pregnant were put on hold.
So here we are four months past diagnosis. Rather than a game plan I’ve actually started avoiding all things pregnancy because I’m still angry and hurt at the situation. I used to love wandering through the baby section at Target just imagining my future, and now I go out of my way to not walk through it. I’ve had friends tell me that they’re worried they will in fact become pregnant before Alex and I and I don’t honestly know how to react.
In one sense it’s like, don’t be silly y’all! Of course I would be excited (no seriously I would) and yet the idea of still not being pregnant by the time they might makes me want to cry. I don’t want to burden my friends with this so instead I stay silent. I focus on the happy moments for the pregnant people I know but I also fully admit that I avoid baby things now.
I never knew that the diagnosis would affect more than just “aww look I’m broken” but my whole view of my body, my marriage, and even my outlook on personal dreams and wishes. Yet it has.
This isn’t a pity party (though I’m sure it sounds like one) so much as it is a reflection that an infertility diagnosis doesn’t end with “You’re infertile. Here are your options.” The repercussions are much broader than you might expect.
So for those wondering – the status right now is to continue with the 365 Love Dare and work on my marriage. To take more trips to the beach and hope that one day insurance will cover treatments. Oh and to enjoy the pregnancies and friends lives’ I do get to be involved in. To be grateful for my job, my house, the food on my table and my two little fur-babies who kiss me no matter how bad my day gets.
And to avoid that Target aisle for now.