Sometimes my heart hurts so much when I think about children that I literally get short of breath. Part of me hasn’t wanted to type this post, because I have friends who read this who will likely get hurt by the things I’m saying even though it’s not about them. It’s really about my feelings and emotions, but I need the outlet that this blog provides. That y’all provide me.
Post-graduation I have watched as friend after friend became a parent, and for the most part I haven’t thought of it. Then after I found out about the infertility issues, I was still positive.
HA! In fact I remember thinking (and talking about) my first thought being “You mean I could have saved HOW MUCH MONEY on birth control all these years?” I mean, y’all it’s built into my body. Boo-yah!
And then it happened, that person who triggers an avalanche of emotions that you NEVER expect announces their pregnancy. I’m sure I’ve damaged our friendship by some of my bemoaning, and by my avoidance of her. I feel bad, but when I literally cry at some of the images that come to mind I felt it best for both our sakes to just avoid it. We’ve had maybe one or two honest discussions about my feelings and hers, but for the most part I try to only talk to her when I can be 100% there for her, her husband, and their child.
Then on Facebook another announcement and another and another have followed. I’m sure the number isn’t unusual; it’s just hitting me harder and harder with each one. Alex and I have fought repeatedly about our situation. He, understandably, wants a romantic situation not a test lab. He wants a marriage that isn’t where ours is at. I get so ANGRY sometimes that even when I find myself trying to sew the gift I have, I have to walk away.
I’m not angry at anyone in particular, I’m just angry. I’m hurting. I feel so very very alone. The truth is Alex and I are getting better, but we need to not have children yet. (Yes Yet. I am EXTREMELY grateful I live in a country that allows me access to doctors and medicine that gives us the chance at a yet rather than a never. The feelings don’t stop though.) So yet again, I’m forced into a situation where sometime that I so desperately look forward too must wait because of screw-ups he made. That makes me angry.
Most of the people I talk to in person are not supportive. In fact about 95% of them don’t 1. Get why I’m so emotional about all this and 2. Don’t see why I don’t just “get over it.” Oh.Em.Gee y’all.
Y’all this doesn’t help the alone feeling OR the anger. In fact it makes it worse because then I keep it all inside my heart until it literally boils over in a massive, dangerous brew.
I wish I knew a way over this roadblock of hurt and anger and sadness, but I feel like I’m ramming my head through a brick wall. And rather than having just one person reach out and hold my hand and help me knock down the wall, people are standing on the sidelines shouting out advice. Advice that is useless when you are so busy battering to FIX the issue
