Tonight, well ok the last 48 hours or so have been hard. I recently found out from Alex that he and a friend are talking again.

(Shocking I know!…please sense the sarcasm at myself.)

Anyway, you’d think this would be no big deal but reality is for me it IS a big deal. It’s a big deal because both this friend and Alex are friendly and open and naturally “bubbly” personality wise. Which means to me, it often feels like its “flirty” even when everyone else is staring at me and thinking “WTF is your problem woman?!” So I’m struggling.

Bad memories trigger at the weirdest times and for the weirdest reasons. Alex and I, we HAVE been doing well so long as you take the “baby” debate out of the equation. So its frustrating to have this ROAR of doubt and fear and just general anxiety bubble up inside me the second certain relationships crop up. It’s not fair to me, it’s not fair to Alex and his friend…its not fair but reality is the anxieties do pop up and I can’t stop it.

{On a total tangent - just to clarify – when I say I want children and he doesn’t neither of us are referring to right here and now. I’m referring to this lifetime and so is he. So no kids will be procreated unless 1. we’re both on board and 2. our marriage is strong and stable. Just sayin.}

I talked to Alex about it a little last night and I ended up crying as I explained to him that truly and honestly if he EVER feels like he wants to flirt with other women, if he ever feels like he emotionally wants a “break” then please just tell me. Give me the chance to walk away because I will. To his credit he stared at me like I was nuts, reassured me and then cuddled me before badgering me into eating. (I don’t eat when I’m stressed.) So in all reality he’s doing everything right and I’m just stuck in a rut. No one’s fault…it just is. I don’t think I could ever live through that kind of revelation again because I STILL don’t have confidence in me back yet. Its getting there. The job thing was HUGE for me. But the fear that “one day” will happen is also still there and it’s NOT there because of any current situations or anything like that. No its there because I’m still fighting demons.

So yea – the last 48 hours have been a bitch and I’m just kind of stuck in the mud. I’m trying to be excited about Monday but between old demons and nerves I’m stuck. Damn emotions.

I’ve been a horrible no good very poor blogger lately. And I really don’t have any excuses other than well I’m in a bit of a walled off place.

I don’t have any urge to take photos, sorry y’all the house ain’t pretty enough as a background, and well a post without pictures (sadly like this one) seems rather lame.

On top of that, this blog “Our MARRIAGE Adventure” isn’t quite fitting. I hate to be glum and drum about things but the reality is we’re struggling. Alex knew about the affair post and was OK that I wrote it because he knows that I need an outlet. However we’ve had some people attempt to drive a wedge between us about that as if I was ripping some damn wound open again and again. I’d say I’m sorry for that but truthfully I’m not, Alex knows who I am and he understands better than everyone else what exactly this whole mess has done to me. So please take your negative thoughts and attitudes away because this marriage needs healing which means we need SUPPORT. Not judgement.

On that same note – we’re at odds about a very big subject. We had all the talks you’re supposed to prior to getting married (money, long-term goals, short-term goals, KIDS) but we’ve had some recent developments called Alex isn’t sure if he wants kids. Ever. This is a huge huge huge issue for me. So we’re stuck, do we continue to move the marriage to better only for it to end in divorce over this issue? Do we throw in the towel now and say oh well we tried but let’s quit before we hate each other? Do we both hope one of us changes their mind before the end and then regret it when someone doesn’t? Do we stick around and have happily ever after because one of us DOES change their mind? SO MUCH TO CONSIDER.

I saw a quote from Katie Brown of Marriage Confessions on a post she put up yesterday that I ended up emailing Alex. I did it because I feel like, though they haven’t struggled through the same issues – they can be an inspirational marriage for Alex and I. Plus she’s a one thousand percent better blogger / writer.

{My Email}I know you think my internet stuff is ‘stupid” and often “pointless” but its part of who I am as a person. I’m the nerd, the geek, the one who likes to play furry animals in an online world with lots of Chinese teenagers and look for the “latest and greatest” toy. I’m also that person who could care less about getting my oil change (oh yea, um…I’ll do it tomorrow. I SWEAR.)

And yes, in the end I look for lots of inspiration on love, life, and yes our marriage on the internet. So when I saw this blog post by Katie of the Katie, Chris BEAN and Gracie blog I thought I’d share a very small part of it. I know we struggle a lot and I know we want our smiles back, our laughter, the Lurv (said in my best Urkel voice) and I know we are still looking but look at this as inspiration. Even if it’s not an answer per se.

{Katie Wisdom}“I have been hiding right here inside your own marriage,” the smile said. “I’ve been waiting for you to hold hands and push forward like you used to do, or for your feet to find each other at night when you laid down. But you never thought to look for me inside your own marriage, and so I stayed hidden. I am so glad you finally remembered where your smiles live!”

And for once, the townspeople had nothing to say. Because who can argue with a smile?

I guess you could say right now we’re on the hope track but some days we weeble wobble and we end up staring at divorce wondering if it is an option. Other days we’re that annoying couple in love. Marriage is hard as hell people, wish I knew why but I don’t. The reality is that is why I’ve been blogging less. Who wants to hear about marriage struggles time and time again? What else do I talk about? What on earth should I take photos of??

So for those of you who came here hoping for witty, I apologize. For those of you who have given up because my latest blog posts suck, I apologize. For those of you hoping for some chocolate cake – I ate it all.